quinta-feira, 8 de outubro de 2009

Bebês amaldiçoados não vão para o céu

Me disseram que eu quando eu nasci deu merda. Uma doença infecciosa, sei lá, nunca explicaram direito. Fiquei internado e minha mãe desesperada, fez meu pai arrumar um padre pra me batizar as pressas. “Bebês amaldiçoados não vão pro céu!”, ela choramingava. O meu velho arrumou um sacerdote pra emergência e o sacramento foi feito na incubadora mesmo. Diante de Deus eu era Enrico Roccato e eu nunca mais estaria tão perto do paraíso. Mas meu corpo benzido sarou e a minha inocência hoje é uma memória apagada.

Gabriel e eu, adormecidos em um vagão. Não tem um dia que amanheça sem que um de nós tenha uma ferida nova no corpo, um vergão na cara ou uma roupa manchada de vômito. Quando foi que nós nos perdemos? eu sussurro. “Não dá pra se perder quando se vai a lugar nenhum”, ele balbucia em resposta. Ele está certo. Nós estamos no limbo, sem esperança de paraíso, sem medo do inferno. Não é uma sensação ruim, é apenas como acordar, seja de um sonho ou de um pesadelo.

Se enroscou no meu cabelo, suspirou no meu ouvido. O perfume, o perfume sempre impregna na roupa, na pele, se torna parte de mim. Eu respondo tudo com os olhos, um sorriso abobado, palavras jamais. Telefone anotado, despedida demorada, estou fora daqui. Não ando nem dois quarteirões e deleto o número. Sem promessas, sem conseqüências, nada a oferecer. A estrada é solitária, eu e o silêncio, e por hora isso é tudo.

Hoje me espanta a idéia de alguém acreditar que uma água choca pode purificar a alma. Me espantam as esperanças de redenção, os planos de fuga, os mapas astrais e as comunhões. Todos querem ser salvos, ninguém quer ser livre. Isso não é amor, isso é medo. Eu não acredito em nada além do caos que transcorre por mim. Confissões e flagelos não redimem ninguém, apenas saciam o vazio. Minha mãe estava certa, bebês amaldiçoados não vão pro céu. Eles são condenados a viver.

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